I just shouldn’t ever think that something is going in the direction I want it too. I’m such a whiny bitch. I just wish I could stop myself falling into the trap of actually liking someone and thinking we have a chance. It’s pretty obvious that I just shouldn’t think I always fuck things up :( i mean chuffin’ always. What is it about me that makes people go cold all of a sudden?

I feel fucking awful. I make the simplest loveliest of things turn sour thanks to my over thinking, stressing and overall self-doubt. I’ve had lots going through my head over the past few months about lads and stuff. First there was Matty S. The guy who I thought I was completely in love with and the guy who I jumped for when I should’ve walked away. Then there was Micky, the guy from the party who was my rebound like getting over Matty S. Then there was Matt the lovely but boring guy who I went on a date with just to satisfy some of my friends. Then there was Matty H. who I got drunk and got off with- yep I make bad decisions when I’m drunk.

This time it’s completely different with Ryan. I mean he is the nicest, flirtiest and overall the most amazing person that I’ve ever met. This is definitely not an exaggeration at all. I am such a tool for feeling this way but I need to get everything out somewhere because I don’t want to be a burden on my friends and tell them all about this. Funnily enough if this wasn’t about him I could probably tell Ryan and he’d know exactly what to say but obviously it’s about him and I can’t really tell him all of this.

I may as well start from the beginning. I met him at the end of last year thanks to Kate and Kerrie and from the first day I met him I thought he was gorgeous! I started to like him a bit then but I though him and Kerrie had a “thing” so I didn’t really tell anyone about it. Then we were sort-of friends like saying hi and talking when we saw each other in college and stuff. But very recently we had a conversation about how him and Kerrie had an argument that I didn’t know about and he thought that I wasn’t talking to him because of it. Which would never happen because no matter what happens between other people it’s not my business and doesn’t change my opinion of people. So we started texting and talking a lot. It was so nice, I’ve literally never felt this comfortable with a guy in my life there has always been a slight awkwardness with me where I feel like I have to be something else. But with Ryan there isn’t at all I feel like I can just be me and he won’t hate me for it. We’ve been texting loads and talking about loads of stuff and one of those things is he’s coming to mine next week just to spend the day together. I’m fucking terrified.

I just feel like he’s gunna loose interest. I don’t know what it is, he makes me feel like the most special girl in the world. I’m not going to sit here and say I love him or I’m in love with him because I’m not, not yet. I feel like we could be amazing together but I do feel like I’m not good enough at all. I would be the worst girlfriend in the world because I’m quietly jealous and possessive. I’m not the girl that won’t let her other half go anywhere or constantly checks their phone. I’m the girl that gets jealous if you show any kind of affection to another girl but doesn’t say anything about it, just sits and analyses herself trying to find out what’s wrong with her. I’m the girl who constantly tries to make herself better than she is in order to keep her other half. I’m the one who never thinks she’s good enough. I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to do something to ruin what we have. Even if I don’t actually know what  it is that we do have right now. I just know one way or another it’s going to be me who ruins it. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough for him at all. I hate feeling like this all I want to do is to impress him, I just want him to want me. I just know I’m going to fuck it up somehow. He keeps telling me I’m beautiful and I want to believe him because I know he’s not the type of guy to lie but I can’t stop looking at myself saying he deserves someone better than me in every way. FUCK. I need to get a grip but I don’t want this this to be another situation that I fuck up :(

It’s been so long since I felt genuinely comfortable with who I am. I’ve pretty much figured out where I want to go, who I want to be and who I want around me. I’ve never ever felt this happy about anything. My life is great at the moment, it’s never really been bad or horrendous it’s always been good but right now I really don’t have anything to moan about apart from maybe the fact I have a monster headache coming on but I mean that’s just a fact of life that I have to deal with these types of headaches/migraines. Honestly though I know who I will stay in contact with when I leave for college and who I can and can’t trust. The only thing I’m not so happy about in my life is the fact that my best friends seems to be constantly arguing with her girlfriend and her girlfriend doesn’t really appreciate what she has and how much my best friend loves her. I also really hate the thought that Vici will be joining the army at the end of this year oh my god we really are growing up and actually moving on. Wow!

Let’s see how this works out.